The Doctor encountered the slimy Slitheen a few times during his travels in Doctor Who. The Slitheen family come from Raxacoricofallapatorius. The twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius is Clom, which is home to the Abzorbaloff. The Abzorbaloff is a disgusting, green creature that absorbs its victims into its body so that their faces appear on its torso. A man called Elton Pope joined a club dedicated to finding the Doctor. However, unfortunately all of his friends in the group were absorbed by the Abzorbaloff. The Tenth Doctor and Rose were thankfully able to save some of Elton’s lover Ursula, so now they “even [have] a bit of a love life”!

Love & Monsters

★★★★☆

TX: 17/06/2006

Written by Russell T Davies    Directed by Dan Zeff

An ordinary man called Elton Pope is searching for the Doctor, an alien that he encountered as a child. Elton joins a small club called L.I.N.D.A – London Investigation ‘N’ Detective Agency, which is dedicated to finding the Doctor. What? It sounds a bit like stalking! I’m in! This is an allegory for Doctor Who fans going to conventions, an idea that was reused by Russell with the fourth wall break in Lux. The group bond and share other interests including music. But the fun stops when Victor Kennedy arrives. Victor is a ruthless man with an unusual skin complaint called eggzema, which is far worse than eczema (which I suffer from). In reality, Victor is an alien called an Abzorbaloff and he is using the members of L.I.N.D.A to track down the Doctor so that he can absorb him. Elton befriends Rose Tyler’s mother Jackie and infiltrates her flat as a means of getting closer to finding the Doctor (Jackie even tries to seduce Elton like in a porn film!). But unfortunately for Elton, Jackie finds this out and gets angry at him. Jackie Tyler is a MILF and Camille Coduri could happily flash her knickers at me any day! You never forget your first MILF! I have slept with single mothers before. Victor absorbs the members of L.I.N.D.A one by one so that their faces appear on his body. Victor is about to absorb Elton when the TARDIS materialises in the nick of time and the Tenth Doctor and Rose rescue him. The absorbed members of L.I.N.D.A pull together so that Elton is able to grab Victor’s cane and break it. This breaks the Abzorbaloff’s limitation field causing it to disintegrate and to absorb into the Earth. The Doctor reveals to Elton that he tried to stop a living shadow in Elton’s house when he was a child (could this be the Vashta Nerada from Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead?), but unfortunately he was unable to save Elton’s mother’s life. The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to save Ursula Bake, Elton’s lover, who was the last victim of the Abzorbaloff. Elton and the paving slab face of Ursula live a happy romantic life together. As far I am concerned, Elton Pope should be the Pope! Love & Monsters is an underrated episode, but there is no defence for the Abzorbaloff. The Hoix was better than the Abzorbaloff, why didn’t they use that one as the main monster instead? The Abzorbaloff was designed by a child Blue Peter competition winner in 2005. I also entered the competition in 2005 with a robot wolf monster design, however it wasn’t picked in a series that also included a werewolf in Tooth and Claw. I absolutely love chicken and I couldn’t live without it, although I love vegan sausages and vegan ice cream and avocado goes very well with chicken! When I worked at Pizza Express in Cardiff Bay we had a whole vegan menu to cater for customers with veggie diets. I have eaten TESCO Chicken Caesar Wraps off of some of my girlfriends’ breasts as well as other food items, including pizza slices, chocolate sauce and whipped cream!